


Ashes

by Tea1810



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: ALL THE ANGST, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, MY GAY BABIES, Non-Canon Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-07-12 18:34:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16000940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tea1810/pseuds/Tea1810
Summary: Sirius Black has only ever loved two people in his entire life, and that was a fact. There were only two people who he trusted unconditionally. He loved them both for different reasons and ways, what? Did you think Sirius was two timing on people? Shame on you, Sirius Black is no cheater, thank you very much!





	Ashes

**Author's Note:**

> Sirius Black has only ever loved two people in his entire life, and that was a fact. There were only two people who he trusted unconditionally. He loved them both for different reasons and ways, what? Did you think Sirius was two timing on people? Shame on you, Sirius Black is no cheater, thank you very much!
> 
> I wrote this while listening to ashes by Celine Dion and I apologise for the amount of angst. 
> 
> I also changed the year that Severus discovered that Remus was a werewolf for the plot of this story. I know its soxth year but it worked better for my story to be seventh year.
> 
> Happy reading. x

* * *

 

Sirius Black has only ever loved two people in his entire life, and that was a fact. 

This unfortunately was not an understatement, he had grown up in a household full of horrible witches and wizards of whom had rather wished he were dead then recognise him as a member of their ancient and most noble house. 

There were only two people who he could trust unconditionally. It wasn’t the same type of love either, because Sirius Black was many things but a cheater he wasn’t! Thank you very much. 

The first person he loved, the first person he let into his heart was of course, James Henry Potter. They had met on the train first year of Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry. Sirius was hiding a rather painful bruise under his robes, a secret promise from his wicked mother to remind him that she still had control of him. 

He had gone to a compartment to sit by himself, he hadn’t wanted to sit with all the other pureblood boys he already knew, he hated them all.

A tall boy in the same plain first year robes as himself came in his hair was black and very unruly his hazel eyes hidden behind big round glasses. 

And he made Sirius laugh, despite the pain he was in. They talked all the way to Hogwarts and Sirius knew then and there that he wouldn’t be in Slytherin. Because then he wouldn’t be friends with this boy and he desperately wanted to be. 

That of course had led to many issues, the whole school had gone silent when a Black had ended up in Gryffindor! Could you believe it? James saw the awkward tension and started cheering, rousing the rest of the school out of their stupor. A sign that Sirius had made the right decision. 

He hadn’t owled his mother that night, just wanting to enjoy one night, before the inevitable wrath he knew he would receive. 

But some slimy Slytherin, most likely his cousin Bellatrix who thankfully only had a year left at Hogwarts, must of sent home a letter to her parents exclaiming how she couldn’t understand how a Black, even one as bad as Sirius had ended up in Gryffindor!

He had received a howler the next day, James told him cheerfully it wasn’t that bad, her actions only cemented the budding friendship growing between the two boys. 

During their first day Sirius had made two more friends (boys who shared their common room) Peter Pettigrew and Remus Lupin. 

But there was always a special bond between James and Sirius, they finished each others sentences, had each others back and had a particular proclivity for pranks that outshone the rest of their group. 

Over their years at the school they became inseparable, practically brothers. Even if one was alone it was common knowledge the other wouldn’t be far behind. Even on the quidditch pitch, James a chaser, Sirius a beater, who was alwaysready to take out any opponent trying to attack his friend. 

In the summer before their sixth year, James got a very distressing owl from Sirius sounding completely broken and hurt begging for him to come and take him away.

It was 11:30 at night when James went storming into his parents room begging for help, it took them mere seconds to charge out of bed and get changed before heading to their fireplace, Fleamont (James’ dad) told his wife (Euphemia) and James to go get Sirius once they arrived while he talked to Sirius’ mum and dad. 

James was all too happy with this idea, he wanted to get in and get out as soon as possible. 

Later on James told Sirius how Grimmauld Place was exactly like he imagined it to be, dark, cold and scary as hell. 

Upstairs in his room, broken, bruised and bleeding Sirius heard the commotion of the Potters flooding into his house. 

The ever stoic and calm Fleamont Potter shouting in anger at the despicable way they treated their eldest son. His anger could be heard up in Sirius’ room.He heard footsteps coming up the stairs and feared that his mother had come up to do some more damage while she still could, crying silently he begged it to not be her.  

His heart filled with joy when he saw Euphemia enter the room, James moving from behind her, rushing to come to his brothers aid. Euphemia used a spell putting all his possessions into his suitcase and shrinking it to go into her pocket. 

James having to carry the smaller boy on his back, he who was in so much pain from his mothers torture could barely walk. James was shocked and disgusted at how easy it had been to carry him.

Once they got downstairs, James’ parents wasted no time in whisking the boy away as fast as they could ignoring Walburga’s screeches. 

That night was tough for everyone in the Potter household.  

For the Potters, it was seeing the damage that had been inflicted on Sirius, one who was so young yet had suffered so much.  

And for Sirius, the amount of pain he was in, was crippling.

Eventually they got rid of most of Sirius’ pain, sighing in defeat that Euphemia couldn’t completely heal him, she went and got everyone a hot chocolate hoping to at least offer some comfort to the boy. 

Fleamont had already gone to his office, checking every law there was. To make sure Sirius never had to go back to those evil people. 

When she came back into the living room her heart melted. 

Sirius who had been laying on the sofa, now had James next to him, both under a blanket that was thrown haphazardly over their torso’s. Sirius was resting his head on James’ shoulder and James ran his hand through the black curls, offering soothing words as Sirius mumbled into his shoulder. 

She went over and readjusted the blanket tucking them in properly and put the hot drinks on the coffee table. She kissed them both on the foreheads before whispering “Goodnight my sons.” It broke her heart to hear the little sob that escaped Sirius’ lips at her words. 

The boys kept that night to themselves, never speaking of it again. 

James because he didn’t want to remind Sirius of all the hurt he had gone through. 

For Sirius it was the night he understood that he loved James, and it wasn’t in a romantic type of way, no, Sirius could never see anything in James apart from brotherly love and comforting affection.  

He knew that they would always protect each other no matter what. A love that would only grow once James introduced Sirius to his godson in the future.

 

Now the second person was far more difficult and it took Sirius a little longer to admit that he was in love with this person. And maybe that was because it was a totally different kind of love then what he held for James.

It wasn’t the familial love that had swelled in his heart. 

The ancient Greeks described it best when they came up with different types of love.

There was Storge love which was the familiar love he had for James. 

Then there was the last type of love which was a mixture of two types, Ludus (playful love) and Pragma (enduring love) both of these suited to a romantic relationship. 

With the Ludus it was the early stages of falling in love with all the flirtations and teasings that accompanied it. 

While Pragma was almost the complete opposite, it was a love that had developed over time, that is beyond physical and had transcended beyond casual, typical in long married couples or in a friendship that has lasted decades. 

This love for Sirius had started at twelve years old when he figured out that Remus John Lupin was a werewolf, of course at twelve Sirius thought it was just friendship and a slight mix of guilt he knew of the werewolf that had bitten Remus, knew his parents had frequently met said werewolf. 

Sirius wasn’t entirely certain exactly when it all changed when he finally admitted that he loved Remus. But he had started to notice things, during their fifth year, like how his whole world lit up when he heard laughter coming from Remus’ scarred lips. 

Or how his grumpy mood could change with a casual arm slung around his shoulder. 

Remus Lupin was everything Sirius wasn’t, they were total opposites. 

Remus tall and lean to Sirius’ shorter and stockier stature. How straight and light Remus’ sandy coloured hair was, with that fringe that he was forever pushing out of the way of his amber coloured eyes in comparison to Sirius’ shoulder length black curls and dark grey eyes.

Remus had a natural tan to his skin which was marked with scars, while Sirius had the typical pureblood alabaster skin which was covered in scars and ink. 

And it wasn’t even just in appearance, but in personality too. Remus even with everything he had gone through was the greatest man Sirius had ever met, to be so good when so much bad had happened to him, baffled Sirius to no end. 

It was something that Sirius aspired to be, even though he knew deep down that he could never recreate. 

For his whole fifth year Sirius hadn’t any problem in hiding his feelings for Remus, but once he had been rescued from his parents and James told him that it was ok to want to be loved he had struggled to hide his feelings. 

Of course the worry of ruining one of the greatest relationships he had did stop him from doing anything to destroy it. Sirius did everything to make sure that he kept his relationship platonic. 

It wasn’t right, even against his better judgement, the incessant drilling of pureblood ideals still swam around in his head. And that was that homosexuality wasn’t right. 

The wizarding world didn’t have a problem with homosexuals but purebloods did, why have a relationship that didn’t carry on the family lineage?

He resigned himself to pinning from afar, as long as Remus ended up in a loving relationship. One he deserved then Sirius would be happy. 

But that all changed in their last year at Hogwarts, the seventh years had taken to having parties in the room of requirements every couple of months and in the second one of these parties, Sirius who easily found comfort from a bottle was drunk out of his mind and was dancing around with other seventh years. 

His hips swaying, hands a flurry of movement. It was a wonder how he maintained such grace when he was drunk. He turned around to Remus and there others and danced for them trying to entice them over, his heart leapt a little when he saw Remus stand. 

Remus who seldom drank in a big group, came over bending down so his lips grazed Sirius’ earsaid loudly trying to be heard over the deafening music. “Padfoot you have had enough for one night, its time to go.” 

If it had been one of the other marauders, Sirius even drunk knew he would of kicked up a storm he was after all the biggest drama queen of the group. He had a title to maintain you know? But here was Remus, a soft smile on his lips, and in his eyes there was no judgement that was plain to see, even inebriated. 

“I love you Moony!” Sirius had exclaimed. “Always looking after me.”

As he let Remus lead him from the room of requirements. Remus let out a chuckle, “Your drunk Pads, be careful what you say you might regret it in the morning.”  

Sirius stopped dead in his tracks in the middle of the empty corridor, the alcohol making him brave, Shaking his head wildly like a dog. “NO! NO! NO! Thats not true Moony I looove you!” he shouted  

“Ok! Fine Padfoot but just keep quiet alright, till we get back to the common room.” Remus said  

He grabbed Sirius’ hand and dragged him back to Gryffindor tower, occasionally having to shush the other marauder who was getting rather agitated that Remus wasn’t taking him seriously. When they eventually got back to their dorm Sirius noticed it was just them, that Peter and James must still be at the party.  

“C’mon Pads its time to go to bed.” Remus said tugging at Sirius’ leather jacket, he knew to place very carefully on the chair by Sirius’ bed. So as not to anger the animagus. 

“No! You wont listen to me Moony!” Sirius’ exclaimed, arms now crossed, pouting at his friend “I love you Moony!”  

“Yes I love you too, your my best friend Padfoot.” Remus answered  

Sirius was pacing now, his hair back in his signature bun and a cross look on his face. “Whats wrong with you?” Remus asked  

“You don’t understand what I mean.” Sirius slurred 

 Before Remus had chance to ask what Sirius had meant, the shorter boy had marched over, his hands cupping the side of the taller boys facing and pulling him down, kissing him on the lips. He was surprised when Remus kissed back even if it was for only a minute before pulling away. Remus brushed Sirius’ hair from his face. “Lets talk about this tomorrow when you are sober Sirius.” Remus promised “Now go to bed”  

Not even with alcohol’s influence did Sirius get to sleep that night, because the more sober he got, the more he panicked about what tomorrow’s conversation with Remus might hold, what it might mean for the friendship. 

Sirius had nothing to worry about the next day, Remus asked if Sirius had meant everything he had said the night before. Sirius instantly replied “I meant every word!” 

From that moment they were boyfriends, of course there were naysayers in Slytherin who continued in their torment of calling Sirius a blood traitor, he had to admit that when they started calling him a faggot, it stung. 

They stole away any chance they could, passionate kisses in abandoned corridors. Dates in Hogsmead, just the two of them. And Late night cuddles on the sofa in Gryffindor common room.  

Everything was perfect, until Sirius once again ruined everything he touched. He was a train wreck always on the path of destruction. Nothing free from his rampage.  

That stupid git Snivellus was making rude comments about not only his brother but also his boyfriend. “I know that you and the others of your pathetic gang disappear every month, what are you doing?” 

Without thinking of the repercussions, or the severity of his words, Sirius grinned cruelly and said “Come to the whomping willow and see for yourself. Poke the knot at the bottom and you will get past it.”  

If it hadn’t been for James, saving him. Remus would of killed him. The day after the full moon and Sirius sat by the lake guilt eating him up inside he hadn’t thought of the seriousness of the situation. He never thought and now he had ruined the best relationship he ever had.  

Remus came storming at him from Hogwarts, Siriusstood he was ready to face the bullocking of a lifetime. He suspected that Remus was going to break up with him and he couldn’t blame him.  

What he didn’t expect was punch that caught his nose, he could feel it was broken and the blood seeping down onto his lips. “WHAT WERE YOU FUCKING THINKING SIRIUS!” he yelled  

“I am so sorry Re…” He was interrupted by Remus  

“What did you fucking think? That this was one of your stupid little pranks, that what I was just going to scare him? You could of made me like Greyback, I could of turned him or worse I could of killed him I could of gone to Azkaban” Remus hissed “I thought you loved me?” 

“Of course I love you more then anything! I didn’t think he was making rude comments about you and James.” Sirius insisted  

“I don’t care about comments and neither does James! If you really loved me you wouldn’t of put me in that position. Worst of all Snape knows, I will get kicked out of Hogwarts for sure! I was so close to fucking finishing my education and you have ruined it for me Sirius” Remus cried  

Sirius too had tears in his eyes “NO! I will go and explain, say how it is my fault I won’t let you go down for this, I am so sorry.” 

“I’m done with this Sirius, this is over between us. I don’t know why I believed this would work, fooled me twice shame on me.” Remus said coldly 

He walked off, leaving Sirius where he stood. He wanted to go and beg and scream for forgiveness. Wanted to give him anything he wanted. But he could see that Remus was right, as always, Remus was better off without him. 

They never got back together, but much to Sirius’ relief they did become friends again. With the war going on while both yearned for the relationship they had, there was never time. 

And then the Potter’s died, and Sirius’ world turned upside down. If he hadn’t suggested Peter as the secret keeper then this wouldn’t of happened. But in the back of Sirius’ mind he knew he ruined everything he touched and he hadn’t wanted to put the Potter’s lives at risk. 

Funny how even when he tried to do something right he still managed to fuck it up. 

Sirius went to Azkaban wrongly convicted. In the dark depths of his cell he had wanted screamed for the loss of his brother and his wife, he screamed for the loss of his godson and most often screamed for the love he had ruined. 

But the thought of revenge kept him going.

He promised if he ever got out he would find Pettigrew. Someone he thought was a friend, (he supposed they were alike in that way ruining something good that they had), he would find Pettigrew and he would finally commit the murder he was imprisoned for. 

And nothing but death would get in his way, that was until he saw his godson. Harry James Potter, the boy who he gave a child’s broom too, the child who’s first words where Pafoo! The child he had lost, who was now thirteen years old!  

Who stood defiant in front of Pettigrew saying how they shouldn’t kill him, that the dementors could have him instead. He really was James’ son and it only hurt Sirius’ heart more to see a parentless child who despite everything was still so good, so pure.  

He had to be kept inside Grimmauld Place, nightmares of his childhood flooded his dreams, every night he was there. The portrait of his mother, who screeched wildly at blood traitors in her house only strengthened his nightmares. 

But for him and Remus? It was too late. After everything he did? No, Remus couldn’t love him anymore. So he kept his thoughts to himself.How could he ever forgive him? Sirius wasn’t worth forgiveness! 

Occasional glances and stares where shared between the two, which sometimes gave Sirius false hope, but Remus made sure they were never in a room alone. Sirius got the hint. 

Well he thought that till his fight with his deranged cousin (Bellatrix Lestrange) fought him in the department of mysteries. 

He had managed to avoid the jet of red light she aimed at him, “Come on, you can do better than that!” he yelled, his voice echoing around the cavernous room. 

He missed the second jet of emerald light, that hit him squarely on the chest. 

This was it, he wasn’t scared, no he had been happy he was sure he still had a smile on his face even if his eyes widened in shock. He fell back, slowly. In a graceful arc through the veil hanging from the arch. 

The last thing he saw was Harry’s panicked face as he ran towards him, Remus intercepting him and holding him to his chest even as darkness clouded his vision he could see the devastation in Remus’ eyes. He thought he was saying something to Harry but he couldn’t hear anymore.

A blinding white light took over everything, oddly warm and yet numbing at the same time and the last thought to ever enter Sirius Orion Black’s mind was that maybe his werewolf had still loved him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
